i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
