paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
