I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
even my farts smell like vagina
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
