You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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