I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
