Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my phone needs a breathalizer
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
