I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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