I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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