I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
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Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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