I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
