its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
