Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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