I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
