He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
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Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
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When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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