i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
