I wish my penis had an off switch
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
