Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
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He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
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Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?