I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
