I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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