Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
