I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
