trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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