booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
