It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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