I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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