I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
