Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
