Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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