I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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