She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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