haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
