9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
