Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
