i dont even know how to be here
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
