So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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