we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
