considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You ate ashes out of my bong
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
