How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
