that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
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Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
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I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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