Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
