I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I skipped work to stalk him.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
