i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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