I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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