yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We don't watch enough power rangers
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
