Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
