So drunk, too bad you don't want this
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
