Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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