erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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