Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
