New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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