made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
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It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i think i just lost a toe
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I pour the whiskey from now on
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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