Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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