i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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