so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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